Love and Donny Osmond...

I'm not into holidays. Especially holidays created by card companies, but knowing a certain one is coming up soon I thought of this...


When I was five I had my first girlfriend. Her name was Rachel. My parents both worked and my neighbor babysat me with her daughter after school until my mom picked me up after she got home. As kids do, we played and watched Speed Racer, Kimba the White Lion, Josie and the Pussycats, and Star Trek everyday. Then one special day Rachel came up to me and said "Hey big boy, why don't ya come up and see me sometime!" and proceeded to give me my first kiss. She was an older woman...she was six.


Well that was it! I had a girlfriend and my first hard-on. I had no idea what happened. I knew I liked it, but I was really embarrassed about it. I don't think she even noticed. Thank God, but how could she? What kind of package am I gonna have at five? So anyway...as kids do...and everybody else, we worked out a system. Everyday I played Barbie's with her, I'd be "Ken with the Camaro" for an hour and afterwards, she'd sit on my lap, put her arms around me, say "Hey big boy, why don't ya come up and see me sometime!" and kiss me. We did this for months.


Then one day, as before, we played Barbie's and after the hour was up I was ready for my kiss. She looked at me rather coldly and said "I don't love you anymore. I'm in love with Donny Osmond." I was heart broken. What did I do wrong? I played Barbie's with her. I didn't use any tongue. She never felt my hard-on. What did I do?!


The very next day she had Donny Osmond posters up all over the place. I didn't play with her again. I watched the television and wondered why Captain Kirk got all the hot green women.


Years pass. Many years. Almost 19. I'm in a band, we were doing pretty well and we were approached by a management company, that at the time also managed Donny Osmond. He was on his comeback tour in the 90's. While they were negotiating signing us, I was asked if I could help roadie Donny's Summer Festival/Fair tour and stage manage. I was pretty industrious and loved to work. Travel and get paid well doing it? Damn straight I'll take the gig!


After a few weeks on the job, I got to know Donny a little. Enough to joke around at least. One night there were some crazy fans that I was supposed to dissuade from cornering Donny after a show. In a flash I thought of Rachel and how she dumped me for a Donny poster and in my mind I remembered Ricardo Montalban's line in Start Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, "revenge is a dish best served cold", I let all the crazed fans right on in. Donny was pissed. Later in the rental car going back to the hotel he asked what the heck was with me letting those people in? I smiled and said "Revenge!". At first he just quizzically looked blank, then started laughing. "I didn't do it! I didn't do it! It wasn't my fault! I was a kid!" He knew right where I was going. I told him about Rachel and we had a good laugh. I got my chance to confront the guy who stole my first love away. Well...not really love...but it counts.