Crayola Crayons and Kleenex...

Olfactory memory. The strongest of all time warps. One whiff and I transport to another time and place. I have learned to know certain sensory triggers that affect me deeply…and I use it.

When my creative flow has stopped to halt that no industrial strength mental Immodium can cure, I enlist. I entreat the odor d’ inspiriti…I bring out the Crayola crayons and Kleenex tissues.

These items work for me. Probably not you. Yours might be Play Dough and Tang Orange Drink. When I smell those crayons I like of all those coloring books I filled up in my childhood. The of magic and fairy tales. So deeply are they in me, I stir still…forever wandering in awe of the Black Forest of my mind.

The Kleenex tissues smell exactly like my first guitar case made of pressed wood, glue and plastic fake fur. Yum!!! My excitement for my new found expression of electricity coupled with wood, steel and blood called a Gibson Flying V…I shiver just remembering. The power and depth of those first mangled chords of truth could lay waste all of my troubled and abused youth. Anything was possible. Escape was my desperate desire, and it was showered upon me in shards of distortion, flange, and delays.

That smell of my guitar case floods my nervous system into overdrive. I am transported to a place of ultimate freedom and safety. For some wonderful strange reason, Brand new Kleenex boxes smell exactly the same to me. And because of this I can submerge at will into the deep aqueous liquid of pure innocent joy. I fucking love you Kleenex and Crayola. I wanna bottle all of my magic scents and keep them in a tackle box for emergency emotional olfactory use.

I’ll call it my “Moonbeam Dream Box”…

Love and Donny Osmond...

I'm not into holidays. Especially holidays created by card companies, but knowing a certain one is coming up soon I thought of this...


When I was five I had my first girlfriend. Her name was Rachel. My parents both worked and my neighbor babysat me with her daughter after school until my mom picked me up after she got home. As kids do, we played and watched Speed Racer, Kimba the White Lion, Josie and the Pussycats, and Star Trek everyday. Then one special day Rachel came up to me and said "Hey big boy, why don't ya come up and see me sometime!" and proceeded to give me my first kiss. She was an older woman...she was six.


Well that was it! I had a girlfriend and my first hard-on. I had no idea what happened. I knew I liked it, but I was really embarrassed about it. I don't think she even noticed. Thank God, but how could she? What kind of package am I gonna have at five? So anyway...as kids do...and everybody else, we worked out a system. Everyday I played Barbie's with her, I'd be "Ken with the Camaro" for an hour and afterwards, she'd sit on my lap, put her arms around me, say "Hey big boy, why don't ya come up and see me sometime!" and kiss me. We did this for months.


Then one day, as before, we played Barbie's and after the hour was up I was ready for my kiss. She looked at me rather coldly and said "I don't love you anymore. I'm in love with Donny Osmond." I was heart broken. What did I do wrong? I played Barbie's with her. I didn't use any tongue. She never felt my hard-on. What did I do?!


The very next day she had Donny Osmond posters up all over the place. I didn't play with her again. I watched the television and wondered why Captain Kirk got all the hot green women.


Years pass. Many years. Almost 19. I'm in a band, we were doing pretty well and we were approached by a management company, that at the time also managed Donny Osmond. He was on his comeback tour in the 90's. While they were negotiating signing us, I was asked if I could help roadie Donny's Summer Festival/Fair tour and stage manage. I was pretty industrious and loved to work. Travel and get paid well doing it? Damn straight I'll take the gig!


After a few weeks on the job, I got to know Donny a little. Enough to joke around at least. One night there were some crazy fans that I was supposed to dissuade from cornering Donny after a show. In a flash I thought of Rachel and how she dumped me for a Donny poster and in my mind I remembered Ricardo Montalban's line in Start Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, "revenge is a dish best served cold", I let all the crazed fans right on in. Donny was pissed. Later in the rental car going back to the hotel he asked what the heck was with me letting those people in? I smiled and said "Revenge!". At first he just quizzically looked blank, then started laughing. "I didn't do it! I didn't do it! It wasn't my fault! I was a kid!" He knew right where I was going. I told him about Rachel and we had a good laugh. I got my chance to confront the guy who stole my first love away. Well...not really love...but it counts.

Naked Phone Rules...

In bed naked? Just got out of the shower? Or just walking around the house in yer skin suit?


Here are the rules for talking naked on the phone:


1. If mom calls, let the answering machine pick it up. The voice of your mother and your bits jangling in the breeze just shouldn't happen.


2. If a business call comes through, take it. Use that sexual power to your advantage. "Yea...I'm talking to you! Take that!" *strut...strut...strut*


3. If it's a friend who calls...hmmm...hell I don't know. You'll know what to do. Some friends I have no problem defecating and urinating while I'm talking to them. What are friends for?


4. If a significant other? You don't need a rule for that. Every sexual thought, innuendo, and er...umm...yea...has been done under the sun a billion times over. One hopes for frequent occurrences like this to rear your Sexus, Nexus, and Plexus head up to the sky.


5. If a telemarketer calls, just walk over to the toilet and start letting loose right away. If you can't, simulate it. They won't be on the phone for long. I laughed for days after I did this. *misty-eyed-smile* *wipe* *blink*


6. If an alien calls, tell them they aren't a very good alien if they need to use a phone and hang up. Unless they're kinda sexy sounding with lots of heavy breathing, wispy noises and such. Then you can start by asking them what they're wearing? Or...from which mouth are they speaking from?


7. If.... (PLEASE ADD YOUR OWN RULES HERE)






By the way...I typed all of this typed on my computer...naked.